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PERSONAL NARRATIVE
by Jonathan Edwards
I
had a variety of concerns and exercises about my soul from my childhood;
but had two more remarkable seasons of awakening, before I met with that
change by which I was brought to those new dispositions, and that new
sense of things, that I have since had. The first time was when I was a
boy, some years before I went to college, at a time of remarkable
awakening in my father’s congregation. I was then very much affected for
many months, and concerned about the things of religion, and my soul’s
salvation; and was abundant in religious duties. I used to pray five
times a day in secret, and to spend much time in religious conversation
with other boys; and used to meet with them to pray together. I
experienced I know not what kind of delight in religion. My mind was
much engaged in it, and had much self-righteous pleasure; and it was my
delight to abound in religious duties. I, with some of my schoolmates,
joined together and built a booth in a swamp, in a very retired spot,
for a place of prayer. And besides, I had particular secret places of my
own in the woods, where I used to retire by myself; and was from time to
time much affected. My affections seemed to be lively and easily moved,
and I seemed to be in my element when engaged in religious duties. And I
am ready to think, many are deceived with such affections, and such a
kind of delight as I then had in religion, and mistake it for grace.
But
in process of time, my convictions and affections wore off; and I
entirely lost all those affections and delights, and left off secret
prayer, at least as to any constant performance of it; and returned like
a dog to his vomit, and went on in the ways of sin. Indeed, I was at
times very uneasy, especially towards the latter part of my time at
college; when it pleased God to seize me with a pleurisy, in which he
brought me nigh to the grave, and shook me over the pit of hell. And
yet, it was not long after my recovery, before I fell again into my old
ways of sin. But God would not suffer me to go on with any quietness; I
had great and violent inward struggles, till after many conflicts with
wicked inclinations, repeated resolutions, and bonds that I laid myself
under by a kind of vows to God, I was brought wholly to break off all
former wicked ways, and all ways of known outward sin; and to apply
myself to seek salvation, and practice many religious duties; but
without that kind of affection and delight which I had formerly
experienced. My concern now wrought more by inward struggles and
conflicts, and self-reflections. I made seeking my salvation the main
business of my life. But yet, it seems to me, I sought after a miserable
manner, which has made me sometimes since to question, whether ever it
issued in that which was saving; being ready to doubt whether such
miserable seeking ever succeeded. I was indeed brought to seek salvation
in a manner that I never was before; I felt a spirit to part with all
things in the world, for an interest in Christ. My concern continued and
prevailed, with many exercising thoughts and inward struggles; but yet
it never seemed to be proper to express that concern by the name of
terror.
Sovereignty of God
From my childhood up, my mind had been full of objections against the
doctrine of God’s sovereignty, in choosing whom he would to eternal
life, and rejecting whom he pleased; leaving them eternally to perish,
and be everlastingly tormented in hell. It used to appear like a
horrible doctrine to me. But I remember the time very well, when I
seemed to be convinced, and fully satisfied, as to this sovereignty of
God, and his justice in thus eternally disposing of men, according to
his sovereign pleasure. But I never could give an account how, or by
what means, I was thus convinced, not in the least imagining at the
time, nor a long time after, that there was any extraordinary influence
of God’s Spirit in it; but only that now I saw further, and my reason
apprehended the justice and reasonableness of it. However, my mind
rested in it; and it put an end to all those cavils and objections. And
there has been a wonderful alteration in my mind, with respect to the
doctrine of God’s sovereignty, from that day to this; so that I scarce
ever have found so much as the rising of an objection against it, in the
most absolute sense, in God showing mercy to whom he will show mercy,
and hardening whom he will. God’s absolute sovereignty and justice, with
respect to salvation and damnation, is what my mind seems to rest
assured of, as much as of any thing that I see with my eyes; at least it
is so at times. But I have often, since that first conviction, had quite
another kind of sense of God’s sovereignty that I had then. I have often
since had not only a conviction, but a delightful conviction. The
doctrine has very often appeared exceeding pleasant, bright, and sweet.
Absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God. But my first
conviction was not so.
The
first instance that I remember of that sort of inward, sweet delight in
God and divine things, that I have lived much in since, was on reading
those words, 1 Tim. 1:17, “Now unto the King, eternal, immortal,
invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory forever and ever,
Amen.” As I read the words, there came into my soul, and was as it were
diffused through it, a sense of the glory of the Divine Being; a new
sense, quite different from any thing I ever experienced before. Never
any words of Scripture seemed to me as these words did. I thought with
myself, how excellent a Being that was, and how happy I should be, if I
might enjoy that God, and be rapt up to him in heaven; and be as it were
swallowed up in him forever! I kept saying, and as it were singing, over
these words of Scripture to myself; and went to pray to God that I might
enjoy him; and prayed in a manner quite different from what I used to
do, with a new sort of affection. But it never came into my thought,
that there was any thing spiritual, or of a saving nature, in this.
From about that time, I began to have a new kind of apprehensions and
ideas of Christ, and the work of redemption, and the glorious way of
salvation by him. An inward, sweet sense of these things, at times, came
into my heart; and my soul was led away in pleasant views and
contemplations of them. And my mind was greatly encouraged to spend my
time in reading and meditating on Christ, on the beauty and excellency
of his person, and the lovely way of salvation by free grace in him. I
found no books so delightful to me, as those that treated of these
subjects. Those words, Song. 2:1, used to be abundantly with me, “I am
the Rose of Sharon, and the Lily of the valleys.” The words seemed to me
sweetly to represent the loveliness and beauty of Jesus Christ. The
whole book of Canticles used to be pleasant to me, and I used to be much
in reading it, about that time; and found, from time to time, an inward
sweetness, that would carry me away in my contemplations. This I know
not how to express otherwise, than by a calm, sweet abstraction of soul
from all the concerns of this world; and sometimes a kind of vision, or
fixed ideas and imaginations, of being alone in the mountains, or some
solitary wilderness, far from all mankind, sweetly conversing with
Christ, and rapt and swallowed up in God. The sense I had of divine
things, would often of a sudden kindle up, as it were, a sweet burning
in my heart; an ardor of soul that I know not how to express.
Growth of Spiritual Life
Not
long after I first began to experience these things, I gave an account
to my father of some things that had passed in my mind. I was pretty
much affected by the discourse we had together; and when the discourse
was ended, I walked abroad alone, in a solitary place in my father’s
pasture, for contemplation. And as I was walking there, and looking up
on the sky and clouds, there came into my mind so sweet a sense of the
glorious majesty and grace of God, that I know not how to
express. — I seemed to see them both in a sweet conjunction; majesty and
meekness joined together: it was a sweet and gentle, and holy majesty;
and also a majestic meekness; an awful sweetness; a high, and great, and
holy gentleness.
After this my sense of divine things gradually increased, and became
more and more lively, and had more of that inward sweetness. The
appearance of every thing was altered; there seemed to be, as it were, a
calm, sweet cast, or appearance of divine glory, in almost every thing.
God’s excellency, his wisdom, his purity and love, seemed to appear in
every thing; in the sun, and moon, and stars; in the clouds and blue
sky; in the grass, flowers, trees; in the water, and all nature; which
used greatly to fix my mind. I often used to sit and view the moon for a
long time; and in the day, spent much time in viewing the clouds and
sky, to behold the sweet glory of God in these things; in the mean time,
singing forth, with a low voice, my contemplations of the Creator and
Redeemer. And scarce any thing, among all the works of nature, was so
sweet to me as thunder and lightning; formerly nothing had been so
terrible to me. Before, I used to be uncommonly terrified with thunder,
and to be struck with terror when I saw a thunderstorm rising; but now,
on the contrary, it rejoiced me. I felt God, if I may so to speak, at
the first appearance of a thunderstorm; and used to take the
opportunity, at such times, to fix myself in order to view the clouds
and see the lightnings play, and hear the majestic and awful voice of
God’s thunder, which oftentimes was exceedingly entertaining, leading me
to sweet contemplations of my great and glorious God. While thus
engaged, it always seemed natural to me to sing or chant forth my
meditations; or, to speak my thoughts in soliloquies with a singing
voice.
I
felt then great satisfaction as to my good estate; but that did not
content me. I had vehement longings of soul after God and Christ, and
after more holiness, wherewith my heart seemed to be full, and ready to
break; which often brought to my mind the words of the psalmist, Psa.
119:28, “My soul breaketh for the longing it hath.” I often felt a
mourning and lamenting in my heart, that I had not turned to God sooner,
that I might have had more time to grow in grace. My mind was greatly
fixed on divine things; almost perpetually in the contemplation of them.
I spent most of my time in thinking of divine things, year after year;
often walking alone in the woods, and solitary places, for meditation,
soliloquy, and prayer, and converse with God; and it was always my
manner, at such times, to sing forth my contemplations. I was almost
constantly in ejaculatory prayer, wherever I was. Prayer seemed to be
natural to me, as the breath by which the inward burnings of my heart
had vent. The delights which I now felt in the things of religion, were
of an exceeding different kind from those before mentioned, that I had
when a boy; and what then I had no more notion of, than one born blind
has of pleasant and beautiful colors. They were of a more inward, pure,
soul-animating, and refreshing nature. Those former delights never
reached the heart; and did not arise from any sight of the divine
excellency of the things of God; or any taste of the soul-satisfying,
and life-giving good there is in them.
My
sense of divine things seemed gradually to increase, till I went to
preach at New York, which was about a year and a half after they began:
and while I was there I felt them very sensibly, in a much higher degree
than I had done before. My longings after God and holiness were much
increased. Pure and humble, holy and heavenly, Christianity appeared
exceedingly amiable to me. I felt a burning desire to be, in every
thing, a complete Christian; and conformed to the blessed image of
Christ; and that I might live, in all things, according to the pure,
sweet, and blessed rules of the gospel. I had an eager thirsting after
progress in these things; which put me upon pursuing and pressing after
them. It was my continual strife day and night, and constant inquiry,
how I should be more holy, and live more holily, and more
becoming a child of God, and a disciple of Christ. I now sought an
increase of grace and holiness, and a holy life, with much more
earnestness than ever I sought grace before I had it. I used to be
continually examining myself, and studying and contriving for likely
ways and means how I should live holily, with far greater diligence and
earnestness than ever I pursued any thing in my life; but yet with too
great a dependence on my own strength; which afterwards proved a great
damage to me. My experience had not then taught me, as it has done
since, my extreme feebleness and impotence, every manner of way; and the
bottomless depths of secret corruption and deceit there was in my heart.
However, I went on with my eager pursuit after more holiness, and
conformity to Christ.
The
heaven I desired was a heaven of holiness; to be with God, and to spend
my eternity in divine love, and holy communion with Christ. My mind was
very much taken up with contemplations on heaven, and the enjoyments
there; and living there in perfect holiness, humility, and love; and it
used at that time to appear a great part of the happiness of heaven,
that there the saints could express their love to Christ. It appeared to
me a great clog and burden, that what I felt within, I could not express
as I desired. The inward ardor of my soul seemed to be hindered and pent
up, and could not freely flame out as it would. I used often to think,
how in heaven this principle should freely and fully vent and express
itself. Heaven appeared exceedingly delightful, as a world of love; and
that all happiness consisted in living in pure, humble, heavenly, divine
love.
I
remember the thoughts I used then to have of holiness; and said
sometimes to myself, “I do certainly know that I love holiness, such as
the gospel prescribes.” It appeared to me that there was nothing in it
but what was ravishingly lovely; the highest beauty and amiableness — a
divine beauty; far purer than any thing here upon earth; and that
every thing else was like mire and defilement in comparison of it.
Holiness, as I then wrote down some of my contemplations on it, appeared
to me to be of a sweet, pleasant, charming, serene, calm nature; which
brought an inexpressible purity, brightness, peacefulness and ravishment
to the soul. In other words, that it made the soul like a field or
garden of God, with all manner of pleasant flowers; enjoying a sweet
calm, and the gentle vivifying beams of the sun. The soul of a true
Christian, as I then wrote my meditations, appeared like such a little
white flower as we see in the spring of the year; low and humble on the
ground, opening its bosom to receive the pleasant beams of the sun’s
glory; rejoicing, as it were, in a calm rapture; diffusing around a
sweet fragrancy; standing peacefully and lovingly, in the midst of other
flowers round about; all in like manner opening their bosoms, to drink
in the light of the sun. There was no part of creature holiness that I
had so great a sense of its loveliness, as humility, brokenness of
heart, and poverty of spirit; and there was nothing that I so earnestly
longed for. My heart panted after this — to lie low before God, as in
the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all,
that I might become as a little child.
While at New York, I was sometimes much affected with reflections on my
past life, considering how late it was before I began to be truly
religious; and how wickedly I had lived till then: and once so as to
weep abundantly, and for a considerable time together.
On
January 12, 1723, I made a solemn dedication of myself to God, and wrote
it down; giving up myself, and all I had, to God; to be for the future
in no respect my own; to act as one that had no right to himself, in any
respect. And solemnly vowed to take God for my whole portion and
felicity; looking on nothing else as any part of my happiness, nor
acting as it were; and his law for the constant rule of my obedience;
engaging to fight with all my might against the world, the flesh, and
the devil, to the end of my life. But I have reason to be infinitely
humbled, when I consider how much I have failed of answering my
obligation.
I
had then abundance of sweet religious conversation in the family where I
lived, with Mr. John Smith and his pious mother. My heart was knit in
affection to those in whom were appearances of true piety; and I could
bear the thoughts of no other companions but such as were holy, and the
disciples of the blessed Jesus. I had great longings for the advancement
of Christ’s kingdom in the world; and my secret prayer used to be, in
great part, taken up in praying for it. If I heard the least hint of any
thing that happened in any part of the world, that appeared, in some
respect or other, to have a favorable aspect on the interests of
Christ’s kingdom, my soul eagerly catched at it, and it would much
animate and refresh me. I used to be eager to read public newsletters,
mainly for that end; to see if I could not find some news favorable to
the interest of religion in the world.
I
very frequently used to retire into a solitary place, on the banks of
Hudson’s river, at some distance from the city, for contemplation on
divine things and secret converse with God; and had many sweet hours
there. Sometimes Mr. Smith and I walked there together, to converse on
the things of God; and our conversation used to turn much on the
advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world, and the glorious things
that God would accomplish for his church in the latter days. I had then,
and at other times, the greatest delight in the Holy Scriptures of any
book whatsoever. Oftentimes in reading it, every word seemed to touch my
heart. I felt a harmony between something in my heart, and those sweet
and powerful words. I seemed often to see so much light exhibited by
every sentence, and such a refreshing food communicated, that I could
not get along in reading; often dwelling long on one sentence, to see
the wonders contained in it; and yet almost every sentence seemed to be
full of wonders.
Further Reflections
I
came away from New York in the month of April, 1723, and had a
most bitter parting with Madam Smith and her son. My heart seemed to
sink within me at leaving the family and city, where I had enjoyed so
many sweet and pleasant days. I went from New York to Wethersfield, by
water, and as I sailed away, I kept sight of the city as long as I
could. However, that night, after this sorrowful parting, I was greatly
comforted in God at Westchester, where we went ashore to lodge; and had
a pleasant time of it all the voyage to Saybrook. It was sweet to me to
think of meeting dear Christians in heaven, where we should never part
more. At Saybrook we went ashore to lodge on Saturday, and there kept
the sabbath; where I had a sweet and refreshing season walking alone in
the fields.
After I came home to Windsor, I remained much in a like frame of mind as
when at New York; only sometimes I felt my heart ready to sink with the
thoughts of my friends at New York. My support was in contemplations on
the heavenly state; as I find in my diary of May 1, 1723. It was a
comfort to think of that state, where there is fullness of joy; where
reigns heavenly calm, and delightful love, without alloy; where there
are continually the dearest expressions of love; where is the enjoyment
of the persons loved, without ever parting; where these persons who
appear so lovely in this world, will really be inexpressibly more lovely
and full of love to us. And how sweetly will the mutual lovers join
together, to sing the praises of God and the Lamb! How will it fill us
with joy to think that this enjoyment, these sweet exercises, will never
cease but will last to all eternity! I continued much in the same frame,
in the general, as when at New York, till I went to New Haven as tutor
of the college; particularly once at Bolton, on a journey from Boston,
while walking out alone in the fields. After I went to New Haven, I sunk
in religion, my mind being diverted from my eager pursuits after
holiness, by some affairs that greatly perplexed and distracted my
thoughts.
In
September, 1725, I was taken ill at New Haven, and while endeavoring to
go home to Windsor, was so ill at the North Village, that I could go no
further; where I lay sick for about a quarter of a year. In this
sickness, God was pleased to visit me again with the sweet influences of
his Spirit. My mind was greatly engaged there on divine and pleasant
contemplations, and longings of soul. I observed that those who watched
with me, would often be looking out wishfully for the morning; which
brought to my mind those words of the psalmist, and which my soul with
delight made its own language, “My soul waiteth for the Lord, more than
they that watch for the morning; I say, more than they that watch for
the morning”; and when the light of day came in at the window, it
refreshed my soul from one morning to another. It seemed to be some
image of the light of God’s glory.
I
remember, about that time, I used greatly to long for the conversion of
some that I was concerned with; I could gladly honor them, and with
delight be a servant to them, and lie at their feet, if they were but
truly holy. But some time after this, I was again greatly diverted with
some temporal concerns, that exceedingly took up my thoughts, greatly to
the wounding of my soul; and went on through various exercises, that it
would be tedious to relate, which gave me much more experience of my own
heart, than ever I had before.
Since I came to Northampton, I have often had sweet complacency in God,
in views of his glorious perfections and of the excellency of Jesus
Christ. God has appeared to me a glorious and lovely Being, chiefly on
the account of his holiness. The holiness of God has always appeared to
me the most lovely of all his attributes. The doctrines of God’s
absolute sovereignty, and free grace, in showing mercy to whom he would
show mercy; and man’s absolute dependence on the operations of God’s
Holy Spirit, have very often appeared to me as sweet and glorious
doctrines. These doctrines have been much my delight. God’s sovereignty
has ever appeared to me a great part of his glory. It has often been my
delight to approach God, and adore him as a sovereign God, and ask
sovereign mercy of him.
I
have loved the doctrines of the gospel; they have been to my soul like
green pastures. The gospel has seemed to me the richest treasure; the
treasure that I have most desired, and longed that it might dwell richly
in me. The way of salvation by Christ has appeared, in a general way,
glorious and excellent, most pleasant and most beautiful. It has often
seemed to me, that it would, in a great measure, spoil heaven, to
receive it in any other way. That text has often been affecting and
delightful to me, Isa. 32:2, “A man shall be a hiding place from the
wind, and a covert from the tempest,” etc.
It
has often appeared to me delightful, to be united to Christ; to have him
for my Head, and to be a member of his body; also to have Christ for my
Teacher and Prophet. I very often think with sweetness, and longings,
and pantings of soul, of being a little child, taking hold of Christ, to
be led by him through the wilderness of this world. That text, Mat.
18:3, has often been sweet to me, “Except ye be converted and become as
little children,” etc. I love to think of coming to Christ, to receive
salvation of him, poor in spirit, and quite empty of self, humbly
exalting him alone; cut off entirely from my own root, in order to grow
into, and out of Christ; to have God in Christ to be all in all; and to
live by faith on the Son of God, a life of humble, unfeigned confidence
in him. That Scripture has often been sweet to me, Psa. 115:1, “Not unto
us, O Lord, not unto us, but unto thy name give glory, for thy mercy,
and for thy truth’s sake.” And those words of Christ, Luke 10:21, “In
that hour Jesus rejoiced in spirit, and said, I thank thee, O Father,
Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hid these things from the wise
and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes: even so, Father, for so
it seemed good in thy sight.” That sovereignty of God which Christ
rejoiced in, seemed to me worthy of such joy; and that rejoicing seemed
to show the excellency of Christ, and of what spirit he was.
Sometimes, only mentioning a single word caused my heart to burn within
me; or only seeing the name of Christ, or the name of some attribute of
God. And God has appeared glorious to me, on account of the Trinity. It
has made me have exalting thoughts of God, that he subsists in three
persons; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. The sweetest joys and delights I
have experienced, have not been those that have arisen from a hope of my
own good estate; but in a direct view of the glorious things of the
gospel. When I enjoy this sweetness, it seems to carry me above the
thoughts of my own estate; it seems, at such times, a loss that I cannot
bear, to take off my eye from the glorious, pleasant object I behold
without me, to turn my eye in upon myself, and my own good estate.
My
heart has been much on the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in the world.
The histories of the past advancement of Christ’s kingdom have been
sweet to me. When I have read histories of past ages, the pleasantest
thing, in all my reading, has been to read of the kingdom of Christ
being promoted. And when I have expected, in my reading, to come to any
such thing, I have rejoiced in the prospect all the way as I read. And
my mind has been much entertained and delighted with the Scripture
promises and prophecies, which relate to the future glorious advancement
of Christ’s kingdom upon earth.
I
have sometimes had a sense of the excellent fullness of Christ, and his
meetness and suitableness as a Savior; whereby he has appeared to me,
far above all, the chief of ten thousands. His blood and atonement have
appeared sweet, and his righteousness sweet; which was always
accompanied with ardency of spirit; and inward strugglings and
breathings, and groanings that cannot be uttered, to be emptied of
myself, and swallowed up in Christ.
Once, as I rode out into the woods for my health, in 1737, having
alighted from my horse in a retired place, as my manner commonly has
been, to walk for divine contemplation and prayer, I had a view that for
me was extraordinary, of the glory of the Son of God, as Mediator
between God and man, and his wonderful, great, full, pure and sweet
grace and love, and meek and gentle condescension. This grace that
appeared so calm and sweet, appeared also great above the heavens. The
person of Christ appeared ineffably excellent, with an excellency great
enough to swallow up all thought and conception — which continued, as
near as I can judge, about an hour; which kept me the greater part of
the time in a flood of tears, and weeping aloud. I felt an ardency of
soul to be, what I know not otherwise how to express, emptied and
annihilated; to lie in the dust, and to be full of Christ alone; to love
him with a holy and pure love; to trust in him; to live upon him; to
serve and follow him; and to be perfectly sanctified and made pure, with
a divine and heavenly purity. I have several other times had views very
much of the same nature, and which have had the same effects.
I
have many times had a sense of the glory of the Third Person in the
Trinity, and his office of Sanctifier; in his holy operations,
communicating divine light and life to the soul. God, in the
communications of his Holy Spirit, has appeared as an infinite fountain
of divine glory and sweetness; being full and sufficient to fill and
satisfy the soul; pouring forth itself in sweet communications; like the
sun in its glory, sweetly and pleasantly diffusing light and life. And I
have sometimes had an affecting sense of the excellency of the Word of
God, as the word of life; as the light of life; a sweet, excellent,
life-giving, word; accompanied with a thirsting after that word, that it
might dwell richly in my heart.
Often, since I lived in this town, I have had very affecting views of my
own sinfulness and vileness; very frequently to such a degree as to hold
me in a kind of loud weeping, sometimes for a considerable time
together; so that I have often been forced to shut myself up. I have had
a vastly greater sense of my own wickedness, and the badness of my
heart, than ever I had before my conversion. It has often appeared to
me, that if God should mark iniquity against me, I should appear the
very worst of all mankind; of all that have been since the beginning of
the world to this time; and that I should have by far the lowest place
in the world to this time; and that I should have by far the lowest
place in hell. When others, that have come to talk with me about their
soul concerns, have expressed the sense they have had of their own
wickedness by saying, that it seemed to them, that they were as bad as
the devil himself; I thought their expressions seemed exceeding faint
and feeble, to represent my wickedness.
My
wickedness, as I am in myself, has long appeared to me perfectly
ineffable, and swallowing up all thought and imagination; like an
infinite deluge, or mountains over my head. I know not how to express
better what my sins appear to me to be, than by heaping infinite upon
infinite, and multiplying infinite by infinite. Very often, for these
many years, these expressions are in my mind and in my mouth, “Infinite
upon infinite — Infinite upon infinite!” When I look into my heart, and
take a view of my wickedness, it looks like an abyss, infinitely deeper
than hell. And it appears to me, that were it not for free grace,
exalted and raised up to the infinite height of all the fullness and
glory of the great Jehovah, and the arm of his power and grace stretched
forth in all the majesty of his power, and in all the glory of his
sovereignty, I should appear sunk down in my sins below hell itself; far
beyond the sight of every thing, but the eye of sovereign grace, that
can pierce even down to such a depth. And yet, it seems to me that my
conviction of sin is exceeding small and faint; it is enough to amaze
me, that I have very little sense of my sinfulness. I know certainly,
that I have very little sense of my sinfulness. When I have had turns of
weeping for my sins, I thought I knew at the time that my repentance was
nothing to my sin.
I
have greatly longed of late for a broken heart, and to lie low before
God; and when I ask for humility, I cannot bear the thoughts of being no
more humble than other Christians. It seems to me, that though their
degrees of humility may be suitable for them, yet it would be a vile
self-exaltation in me, not to be the lowest in humility of all mankind.
Others speak of their longing to be “humbled in the dust”; that may be a
proper expression for them, but I always think of myself, that I ought,
and it is an expression that has long been natural for me to use in
prayer, “to lie infinitely low before God.” And it is affecting to
think, how ignorant I was, when a young Christian, of the bottomless,
infinite depths of wickedness, pride, hypocrisy and deceit, left in my
heart.
I
have a much greater sense of my universal, exceeding dependence on God’s
grace and strength, and mere good pleasure, of late, than I used
formerly to have; and have experienced more of an abhorrence of my own
righteousness. The very thought of any joy arising in me, on any
consideration of my own amiableness, performances, or experiences, or
any goodness of heart or life, is nauseous and detestable to me. And
yet, I am greatly afflicted with a proud and self-righteous spirit, much
more sensibly than I used to be formerly. I see that serpent rising and
putting, forth its head continually, every where, all around me.
Though it seems to me, that in some respects, I was a far better
Christian, for two or three years after my first conversion, than I am
now; and lived in a more constant delight and pleasure; yet of late
years, I have had a more full and constant sense of the absolute
sovereignty of God, and a delight in that sovereignty; and have had more
of a sense of the glory of Christ, as a Mediator revealed in the gospel.
On one Saturday night, in particular, I bad such a discovery of the
excellency of the gospel above all other doctrines, that I could not but
say to myself, “This is my chosen light, my chosen doctrine;” and of
Christ, “This is my chosen Prophet.” It appeared sweet, beyond all
expression to follow Christ, and to be taught, and enlightened, and
instructed by him; to learn of him, and live to him. Another Saturday
night (Jan. 1739) I had such a sense, how sweet and blessed a
thing it was to walk in the way of duty; to do that which was right and
meet to be done, and agreeable to the holy mind of God; that it caused
me to break forth into a kind of loud weeping, which held me some time,
so that I was forced to shut myself up, and fasten the doors. I could
not but, as it were, cry out, “How happy are they who do that which is
right in the sight of God! They are blessed indeed, they are the
happy ones!” I had, at the same time, a very affecting sense, how meet
and suitable it was that God should govern the world, and order all
things according to his own pleasure; and I rejoiced in it, that God
reigned, and that his will was done. |
